Breathe, Build, Eat, Sleep, Repeat

hello.

It's been too long. Have I lost my love for writing? Perhaps. Maybe, though, i've lost my lust for life.

This past week I was offered an opportunity to "change the landscape" of what my past 3-4 years have looked like, to roll the dice in a new direction so to say. I'm still not sure what the outcome will be, but it has opened the Rubik's cube of my inner self for examination.

What i've learned in delving into my layers recently is multifold:

1. I know who I am.
2. I don't know where I fit in the world.
3. I know what I love, but I struggle to make ends meet doing just that.
4. I wonder, can city life and country life find their happy medium?
5. My co-adventurer is waiting, likely sorting through something similar. But he's gonna have to make me believe the reward is worth the risk.

Today I listened to a fascinating talk about the biblical motif of "garden." Now more than ever garden is what I crave, hands deep in earth, digging out weeds and hungering for fresh, moist, untamed soil in which my leaves can spread and find a home with others' leaves. Thats a metaphor and a reality. What is it to let one's leaves spread? What is it to put them out there knowing they'll be plucked and pruned and maybe even brutalized by the elements? I'll never know until I try.

At some point in adulthood, we were taught to behave in such a way, conform to such an image, make such and such salary, live in such and such type of abode. But what if I don't want to play by those rules? What if I want something more? I crave the freedom that is garden. I crave the stimulation that is city. I hunger for the adventure that is multi-national travel. I long for the quietude of wilderness. Can I have all four?

Maybe it's time to choose. Or maybe it's time to choose another way?

More writing to come, likely. Something new is brewing. Maybe a book, or maybe a reorientation of the canvas. Aye, stay tuned...

R